The Edge Between Life and Death
Writing has eluded me these last few months since the start of the pandemic. I had hoped for more productivity given the plentiful supply of evenings free for writing. After busy days at work, instead of writing, I am drawn to being in nature, walking along the beach at Spanish Banks or meandering on trails deep into the forest. I scour Netflix or CBC Gem for new British crime dramas, longing to be immersed in a new series. I whittle away time trying new Ottolenghi recipes and worrying about the world.
I have however been interviewing people for what may become a podcast series on living at the edge of life and death. This is a story told to me by Gloria, a woman I greatly admire and respect. At 89, Gloria lives a very full and engaged life which includes working on her fourth book. I would like to be just like her at 89---humble, compassionate, and engaged. I had received an email from Gloria in July telling me that she had been hospitalized in April with COVID-19. I asked her if she’d be open to being interviewed about her COVID story and she agreed.
Having had two open-heart surgeries in her eighties, Gloria is certainly no stranger to living life fully aware of her mortality.
“I’m not afraid of death and I am not one to count on an afterlife, that’s for sure. Once it’s over, it’s over. One of my faith inspirers, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, talked about Radical Amazement and I have taken that on one hundred percent, savouring every moment---sunset, sunrise, trees, everything that people often take for granted. If I am frightened of anything it is the dying process. I am not sure I will have the courage for that.”
In early April, Gloria developed severe shortness of breath at home. She was at first reluctant to take her nurse granddaughter’s advice that she should go to hospital. She was convinced that the problem was her heart. However, as her breathlessness worsened she finally agreed to go.
“I was so weak when I got there that my grandson had to get someone to help me out of the car,” she said.
She then described in detail the loneliness and isolation of being in hospital without having family able to visit.
“I am used to living alone. I’m independent and do everything on my own but it was really quite overwhelming. Nurses only came in when they absolutely had to, so essentially you are really alone,” Gloria said. “It was a monstrous experience.”
Every day Gloria told the nurses she wanted to go home, and for fourteen days they told her she couldn’t until she could manage without oxygen. That’s when they asked her if she would consent to being in intensive care.
“I thought to myself, Oh God this means a ventilator and I told them no, no, no.”
Her kids face timed each day which helped a bit, as did the beautiful view of the Burrard Inlet she could see through the big wide windows of her 10th floor room.
Eventually Gloria was fighting so hard for each breath that she thought perhaps she should just let go.
“And that is the closest I got to death,” she said. “I was prepared to just give up. So I closed my eyes. This is what death would look like I thought—dark and black.”
My throat constricted as I heard Gloria describe how death’s proximity had threatened to swallow up her life force.
“Were you frightened?” I asked her.
“Not really,” she said. “My heart crashed before one of my surgeries and I held on to a nurse. ‘Let me hold your hand’ I said, and she did. This time though I was alone and I suddenly thought to myself I can’t just go into such darkness. I want the blue of the sky, the colour of the water, and the sunlight and the red roofs of Vancouver. I was so hungry for colour and for light and I said to myself, No I’m going to fight and I turned around after that.”
I felt a surge of relief run through me at her recollection of the uprising of her will to live. With the help of a physiotherapist who taught Gloria how to breathe deeply, she learned to control getting oxygen into her lungs. Two days later Gloria was discharged home.
The great mystery of how and when we will die is ever more present during this time. The pandemic has brought death into the living rooms of the well and the sick, as the great equalizer. Many have ended up in hospital never to come home, tragically having to say goodbye to loved ones via I-Pad or telephone. The more fortunate ones might have had a nurse to hold on to. Others like Gloria had a close call with death and for some inexplicable and wondrous reason her life energy returned. Six months after her ordeal with COVID-19 Gloria is now back fully engaged in her life.
And thanks to Gloria I am back writing again.
Please join me virtually this coming Saturday October 17th from 10.30-11.30 am PT on The Non-Fiction Panel at the Whistler Writers Festival https://whistlerwritersfest.ticketleap.com/reading-event-4-writers-of-non-fiction/
And/or Friday October 23rd at 1 -2 pm PT at the Toronto International Festival of Authors https://festivalofauthors.ca/event/love-and-loss-janie-brown-liz-levine/